Kosovo traditional wedding
As part of the central traditional structure of Albanian customs, the wedding represents a moment of particular importance in the life of an Albanian.
BETROTHAL / ENGAGEMENT
The age of engagement of two people in Albanian tradition has been a relative notion that has often changed over time. Even though there were definite parameters in the majority of the population, the average age for the man was 20 to 30, while for the woman it was 15 to 18. Exceptions were not rare and often they were extreme. They were greatly dependent on social and economic circumstances and family relations, civil status, etc.
Betrothal of unborn children
Betrothal of unborn children is an archaic form that has now ceased to exist, but it was found until a few years after the Second World War. Even at that time it was not common, rather a rarity.
This kind of engagement happened during occasional gatherings, particularly during festivities, where two pregnant women were friends, especially if the friendship was based on good relations between families that were highly esteemed for their wealth, honor, courage and patriotism.
The engagement was made with a verbal agreement between the two pregnant women (without consulting the husband or anyone from the family, including the head of the house, which (head of family) at that time was considered as family cult) in case the babies were of the opposite gender. The engagement would be respected and was obligatory.It could not be broken, otherwise it would be avenged in blood. The families would wait for their children to reach the age of marriage and then the wedding ceremony would take place.
Betrothal of infants
As regards procedure it is identical to the engagement of unborn children, but now the engagement is made by mothers while their children are still in cradles. In identical circumstances and conditions of evaluation, at a moment that the mothers consider appropriate, usually during festivities and with mutual agreement, mothers agree on their infants' engagement. Afterwards, they inform the husbands, who inform the head of the house in the presence of family members.
The betrothal of unborns or infants used to be done by men as well. This would happen when two men formed a friendship based on mutual trust, honor and character, during military service, emigration or war, and they would see this is an opportunity to deepen their friendship.
Betrothal through matchmaker
This was one of the forms of engagement that survived the longest, as a form of family creation in the Albanian marriage tradition. Nowadays this form is almost extinct, even though it can be found occasionally as a tradition and a formal act, rather than a functional one. The "journey" called engagement would start at the moment the boy or the girl reached the appropriate age for engagement, which was usually the beginning of puberty. From that moment, the boy's family, but mostly his mother, grandmother or sisters - especially the married ones - would start to "pick out" girls that met the requirements for their son, grandson,or brother. The requirements were higher he was the only son in the family, or the only child in the family. When this was the case, the family would try to arrange an engagement as early as possible, in order that he married at the correct time.
According to tradition, first a family friend had to befound who would correspond to the level of the boy's family. Often, families would aspire to establish friendly ties with families that were renowned for their virtues, morale, courage, patriotism and faithfulness. Even more frequently, the family of the boy would hold itself in very high esteem in order to match that of the future bride, even though in reality they were not equals. The future bride's requirements were even greater: She had to have brothers and sisters (it was preferable to have as many brothers as possible); her mother must have breastfed all her children; her family had to belong to a known clan - "fis" - but not to the same one as the groom, and the clans had to be separated in blood from each other for at least 7 generations; her family had to be known as trustworthy and hospitable. If such a family could be found, the beauty of the girl were completely irrelevant; the important thing was that she had no "disability". As time passed, the physical appearance of the girl became more important and the mother, sisters or aunts of the boy resorted to meeting the girl in beforehand in order to decide whether to go further with the two youngsters' acquaintance.
After this, the matchmaking process would start.
The boy's uncle (his mother's brother) would usually be appointed as the matchmaker - "misit". This was done in order to preserve the family line from the mother's side. However, the matchmaking duty could be carried out by some other member of the family or a person related by blood, clan, territory or friendship. As soon as the matchmaker got the message from the head of the boy's family, he would go to the family of the girl in order to inform them of the intentions of the boy's family. The matchmaker's duty was to offer the family of the girl a sort of "identification passport" for the boy's family, regardless of whether the two families knew each other or not. He informed them about the family, its size, financial and social status, virtues, character, moral, loyalty, their ancestors and the clan to which they belong. It was also the matchmaker's duty to convey to the girl's family the approval and honor that the boy's family felt at having the chance to establish a friendship with NN - the father of the girl, as a well respected and honored family in the region. The matchmaker would not demand a decision on the first visit - an answer, but he would give enough space to the family of the girl for them to think about the proposal, ask around about the boy's family, discuss the matter with relatives, etc. In course of this, the girl's father, or some other elderly man of the house who held the duties of the head of the family, when sayinggoodbye to the matchmaker from the doors of the yard, said: "if it is meant to be".
When the family of the girl had decided to confirm the friendship with the boy's family, in the evening, after having dinner, the head of the house would inform the matchmaker of their decision by saying, "We await the new day", alluding to the morning of the next day tradition stated that the betrothal was celerated - "përhajr fjala e fejesës", even though nothing specific is promised. On the morning of the following day, the father of the girl, or someone else, would invite the elderly relatives of the family and in the presence of the matchmaker would order coffee for everyone. The matchmaker would not start to drink the coffee until the father congratulated him on the betrothal. This ritual, which was a sort of unwritten rule, would begin on the first visit of the matchmaker when he would say to the girl's father, "oh, NN, I was asked by NN to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage with the son of NN, and they have the honor of bonding the friendship with you". The head of the family would answer: "May the one who asked for my family's friendship have honor, and let it be as it may".
The next level of the ritual was reached when the girl's father addressed the matchmaker on this solemn occasion with the words: "…oh NN (the matchmaker) sends greetings to NN (the friend of family - boy's father) that I have accepted him as a friend of family and I give my daughter, NN (name of the daughter), to his son, NN (boy's name), and may it do them good. The matchmaker replied to him: "May it do well to you and may you have honor. May you have many grandsons and granddaughters and may you see them married. Congratulations to both families" .Then the betrothal was celebrated between the men present at the event as they stood up and greeted each other. Then they would sit down and drink the coffee as a sign that the betrothal had been arranged. After this, the matchmaker and the father of the girl would agree on the future stages of the betrothal ceremony, about which the matchmaker would inform the family of the boy.
The matchmaker, joyous over the fact that he had successfully completed the matchmaking, would go eagerly to the house of the boy and inform them of the betrothal. On this occasion, the family of the boy would fire guns to notify the neighborhood that NN found a "bride for his son" (his son is engaged) and had "become friends with Mr. so and so".
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THE WORD(promise)
The word of the bride is the first ceremony of the official marriage rite in which both families (of the future bride and groom) participate.
The matchmaker's presence at this ceremony is obligatory. The word of the bride is organized in the boy's house and all the expenses are covered by his family. The ceremony is always organized in the evening, when a ritual dinner is prepared, and continues until noon on the following day, when a suitable lunch would be arranged. The promise - fjala - would always be conveyed by the matchmaker, accompanied by two, three or four, though rarely more than four, members of the bride's family. In most cases, the matchmaker is accompanied by the uncles of the bride, her brother and, very rarely, by her father. All the family members and relatives are invited to the groom's house. They are called pritës - the ones who welcome the guests. They usually come to an oda - reception room - before the bride's family members arrive.
When a divorced or widowed woman is engaged, the word of the bride ceremony is not organized. In such cases, only seven people from the groom's side go to take the bride from her house, and this is done on a Tuesday. A widowed or divorced woman would wear only women's, not girl's, clothes, even if she lives at her parents' home, waiting to be remarried.
PREPARATION OF THE DOWRY - "PAJA/ÇEJZ"
From the moment the girl is promised, i.e. when the word is given, she starts to prepare her dowry. In olden times, when the bride had to make clothes for the groom's family, the groom's family had to fulfill the demands of the bride's family by sending at least 100 kilograms of sheeps' wool, and at least 100 yards of cotton for clothing.
In addition to this, the bride-to-be would crochet different types of clothes and household coverings, with the exception of "market items", which referred to items that are produced by craftsmen or industry, such as various clothing accessories. The purchase of these "market items" would be the final step in completing the preparation of the dowry.
The bride would prepare all the clothing for herself, her husband and her future children, as well as the clothes she would wear in her old age and when she dies - on the "day of her death" - and the shroud that her body would be covered with when she died.
TAKING THE THREAD AND SETTING THE DATE
As soon as dowry preparations have been completed and, following continuous consultation between the two families (sometimes this would take several years), there would be a moment when the groom's family would go to the bride's family to "cut the deal" and "take the thread".
This meant that the wedding day was approaching and the only thing remaining was to set the date . Setting the date would be done on the same day as the "thread was taken"- which was a sort of a measurement of the girl that would be taken so the groom's family could purchase fitting clothes for the bride. The head of the groom's house would usually go to set and to take the measure .
Before the date was set, the members of the girl's family would consult with the head woman of the family, who would consult the mother and the girl in advance.
According to tradition, the wedding day would usually be set for a Monday or a Thursday. However, this tradition has recently been broken, as the majority of the population is employed or abroad, so now the wedding ceremony usually takes place on a Sunday.
If the bride's father did not limit the amount of clothes the groom's family had to buy, the head of the groom's house together with the head woman, or the mother of the bride, would go out shopping, according to the taken measurement, and purchase "market items", including wooden cases (handmade), blankets and clothing accessories such as earrings, rings, necklace, bracelet, wrist watch, henna for the bride - all the things that the girl could not make herself. The measurement, i.e. "the thread" would not be taken from the girl's body, but from that of a family member, in order to avoid possibility of black magic.
Nowadays, the purchasing of clothes is done by the girl herself together with her fiancé, often in the company of their sisters, just to have a second opinion.
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THE WEDDING
From the moment the wedding date is set, the groom's house begins daily preparations for this ceremony. The public/official moment of the wedding's commencement is considered to be the moment when the household members start to clean the wheat for the preparation of the traditional wedding dish, called qyshkek, which is made of boiled wheat with water and sugar.
This process is mainly of a ritual character. It is carried out in the yard, three days before the start of the wedding.
On two sofra (traditional low tables), a certain amount of wheat is poured, which is then cleaned by the old women and girls of the clan and the neighborhood, accompanied by songs and dancing with tambourine and "tepsi" (a type of large copper or aluminum baking pan). Then the wheat is beaten - pressed with "dybek" - so it is easier to boil.
Meanwhile, as far as the men are concerned, the wedding starts by cutting the wood and preparing the men's oda (reception room), as well as the cook's preparations. These things are done after they have been discussed with relatives and fellow-villagers. This is organized three days before the wedding starts, and at this point they divide all the different tasks between family and clan members. The head of the house is in charge of (food) supplies, while organizing and working with the wedding ceremony itself is delegated to relatives and neighbors.
Wedding invitations
When the wedding was organized according to traditional norms, the process of inviting the wedding guests, depending on distances, started one month before the day of the wedding. The wedding day was set 4 to 6 weeks in advance, in order to allow the family of the groom to prepare better for the wedding. Only close relatives could be invited a minimum of one week before the wedding. Inviting a friend 3 or 4 days before the wedding was considered a great insult and he would not reply to the invitation. The invitation would then be accepted only in cases where a special messenger was sent to the door in order to invite that certain person. Invitations made at the market, at the mill, or at some accidental encounter/meeting were not be taken into account. The messenger - person who delivers the invitations - had to be a man and under no circumstances a could it have been a child or juvenile.
It was a particular honor if the head of the house went to invite someone to the wedding personally. Wedding invitations were for the whole family, which meant that all members of that family were invited to the wedding; as far as the daughters were concerned, they were invited as a couple, i.e. with their husbands, as it was considered shameful to invite a woman without her husband.
There were cases when single people (one person from a family) were invited, which was usually the head of the house. However, if he was unable to attend the wedding he would send a "man" from the same house, the same family. A distant relative invited to the wedding could bring two persons to accompany him to the wedding, and this was considered a particular honor for the head of wedding, so the guests were also given great attention and respect from the groom's family. The number of wedding participants usually increased after dinner, when uninvited guests, such as acquaintances from the village and the surrounding villages, arrived and stayed all night to celebrate. With the exception of being served the dinner, the uninvited guests received the same services as the invited guests.
These traditional ways of organizing a wedding already belong to the past, as nowadays invitations are made and accepted via the telephone and other forms of communication.
Wedding gifts
At traditional weddings, the gifts were dedicated to the household that gave the wedding party, and not to the groom. Gifts ranged from modest ones, one kilo of sugar (in lumps) or 1 kilo of coffee, up to a ram or an ox. These last two gifts were usually brought by the uncles for the nephew, or from "jaran" - those who had become very close friends during war, military service or living abroad. These gifts were brought by men.
Meanwhile, women would bring pies made with fat from "buallice" (a type of cow) or sheep.
With the passing of time and lifestyle changes, modern circumstances have resulted in different types of gifts, from cutlery to clothing accessories, household items or even money.
The wedding night
On the morning before the Wedding Night, the man in charge of the wedding orders the raising of the national flag in a visible place at the "oda e krushqve" - wedding participants - which symbolizes beginning of the wedding and is an invitation to everyone to "celebrate the marriage of NN". The head of the family, usually the groom's father or a close relative, stays inside the oda to welcome all the guests who come to give their congratulates.
Visitors can also be welcomed by an elderly man from the brotherhood. The visitors are served coffee and cigarettes.
"Oda" of bridegroom's men (krushq)
The reception room where the wedding guests (krushq) are welcomed and received is called an oda. Designated persons with specific tasks are placed at certain points in order to receive and welcome the guests and guide them to the oda.
When guests arrive at the entrance of the oda they are welcomed by an "odabashi" who guides them to their place in oda; certain persons are also designated to take care of the carts, horses and oxen.
"Pritesit" the people that welcome the guests, are in charge of receiving the gifts from the guests at the entrance to the yard and wishing them welcome.
According to tradition, as the guest approaches the oda they fire shots as a sign of arrival (shots would usually be fired by the uncle of the groom, or a close friend of the family).
The seating places in the oda also had their own significance, the fireplace side was always reserved for the clergy, but, in their absence, elderly persons coming from respected far away lands could also be seated there. A special place is also reserved for the "bajraktar" (the person in charge of holding the flag) for elderly men according to their age and level of friendship with the head of the family, for the village teacher, doctors, and for uninvited guests who come in company of invited ones.
When the guests are seated, the "pritës" of the oda will welcome them, greet and thank them for taking the trouble to come to the wedding - usually using these expressions:
a question directed to the eldest men of the "pritësit":
…are you wedding a man? the elderly man answers: …yes, I am
Then the guest says, "Congratulations and may they have good fortune, may they have a lot descendants, and may you see the birth and marriage of many grandsons and granddaughters", to which the elder replies: "Thank you for coming and may you have good fortune"
Cigarettes and coffee are served constantly. Soon after the guests gather, the singers arrive. These are usually two people from the region who are known to cultivate the folkloric tradition. The repertoire of songs is very diverse, ranging from historic songs, to elegies and lyric songs, so they suit the taste and requests of guests of every age.
Shots would be fired at the end of the songs or even during them, as a sign of admiration for the characters in the songs, their deeds, or because of memories of youth.
Wedding Day
On the wedding day, all the tasks must be carried out in time; the preparation of the "bride's carriage", the "seksana's carriage" (dowry carriage), feeding the wedding guests before departing for the bride's house, selecting the bridesmaids for the bride's carriage, the "old woman of the carriage" and the "carriage boy".
The celebrations on the wedding day continue in the same manner as on the night before the wedding.
The departure time to the house of the bride depends on its distance from the groom's house, however it is always after lunch. The order of procession of the wedding guests is regulated by "odabashi", who used to be called "quash".
The bride's carriage is covered with red rugs. In olden times, an elderly woman, accompanied by another bride from the house and a small boy would leave along with the bride's carriage.
As the years went by, the number of people traveling with the bride's carriage eventually rose to nine people.
The carriage boy would usually be five to ten years of age. He had to have both parents and have sisters and brothers.
After the procession of the wedding guests has been put in order, it is led by the "bajraktar" - historically, the flag was held by two elderly people who were skilled at handling weapons, because they had to protect the flag if necessary.
After the flagman came the clergy, followed by the elderly men and then the rest of the guests, according to age and how well they were respected.
The departure of wedding guests (bridegroom's men) was accompanied by highland songs and gunshots.
When approaching the house of the bride the singers would start singing highland songs again, in order to announce their arrival. Young men from the bride's family would attend to the horses and carriages whilethe bridegroom's men were visiting the bride's house.
After everyone is seated, the "pritësit" welcome the bridegroom's men.
The father of the bride addresses the father of the groom, or some other appointed person, and congratulates him on the marriage, thus leading the way to others to congratulate each other. This is followed by coffee and cigarettes. Then, the singers begin to sing. Those present in the room listen to the songs in silence. When the song is over, someone announces "we are ready, but we can stay as much as you like" as a sign that it is time for the bridegroom's men to leave.
While the bridegroom's men were in the oda, the flag was guarded by one of the members of the bride's family.When the bridegroom's men are ready to leave, the flagman leaves first, rewards the guard with money for guarding the flag and takes the flag, which has been decorated with gifts in the meantime, shirts and towels, etc.
The bride is taken out of the house by her brother, who punches her in the back. Handing her over to the father of the groom is done by her father , while they hold each other's hands and say, "Congratulations and may my blood be of your service".
The departure of the bridegroom's men is accompanied by highland songs and gunshots from both sides.
When the wedding procession arrives in the village, the participants once again start singing highland songs and shooting. Before passing the gates to the yard, one of the participants in the procession calls the groom by name three times and shoots into the air three times.
When the bridal carriage enters the yard of the house, an elderly woman throws candies mixed with corn, wheat and coins over the carriage. On the ground, where the bride will first step when leaving the carriage, a member of the groom's family will place a colander or a bushel containing a chicken egg and covered with a sack.
Before the bride is taken out of the carriage, according to tradition, a young boy has to enter the carriage, however he is blindfolded so that he cannot see the bride, only touch her. The bride is not allowed to look at the boy either, except to give him a gift, which he must not open until the end of the wedding.
The bride climbs down from the carriage with the help of her father-in-law or brother-in-law. The bride's first step out of the carriage is taken with her right foot, while with her right hand she touches the horse's buttocks.
She also steps on to the sack in front of her with her right foot, and then she is led to her place on the divan. At this time the groom is hidden somewhere in the house and he watches the bride. The bride does the same thing.
While this is happening the wedding guests sing and dance, accompanied by the music.
After staying for about half an hour on the divan, a plate with honey is brought to the bride, into which she dips her fingers. At the moment she enters the house, she will touch the top of the door frame three times with her fingers. She is then led into her room to rest for a while. However, whenever someone enters the room, be they young or old, the bride has to stand up as a sign of respect.
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The groom's entrance to the "gjerdek" (his wedding room)
The ritual preparation of the groom was done while the bridegroom's men were still at the bride's house. After the wedding day dinner, a senior family member would call for the groom and some of his close friends, and take him aside to one of the corners of the oda. Here, he would explain some rules to the groom.
Standing upfrom this part of the room, in the company of his friends, the groom walks to the door of his bedroom.
He pretends to be reluctant to enter, but as the groom opens the door, his friends abruptly punch him on the back. Inside the bedroom, the bride waits for the groom standing up.
Breaking the kulaç (bread bun)
The bun is ritual bread made by women on the wedding night, in the presence of a boy who has both parents.
The women would put three plisa (Albanian traditional hat) on top of the boy's head as a sign of magical homeopathic gestures to imitate the birth of male children.
This ritual bread has a marking in the middle, dividing the bun in to two unequal parts, perhaps symbolic of domination. This bread is given to the newlyweds on the first morning of their marriage, i.e. on a Tuesday or Friday morning. They then break the bun in two parts, each trying to get the biggest piece for themselves, as it is believed that the one with the biggest piece of the bun would dominate in the family.
After this act, the bride receives the gifts from the wedding guests. She is accompanied by a woman of the family, who helps the bride to identify the givers of the gifts. The bride is obliged to take the hand of each guest individually as a sign of respect.
After the wedding guests have eaten, they start to return to their homes. The only guests to stay for longer time are the daughters of the family or aunts of the groom. From this time onwards, the bride is considered to be a member of the family.
First visit of the bride
The first visit of the bride to her family was one month after her wedding day. It was considered the first visit,because for the first time since the marriage the bride's family would come and collect the bride, so she could stay at her parents' house for a week.
On this occasion, the bride's family would dine with the groom's family. When the bride went to her family, she would take some buns that were specially made for this occasion. She would also bring back buns on returning to her husband's house. On both occasions, these buns would be distributed among family and neighbors.
The groom's family members would go to pick up the bride after one week of visiting her parents', though the groom's group would be much larger than the first group of the bride's family members, as a symbol of fertility and increasing family size.
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KANAGJEQI (BACHELORETTE PARTY)
In Albanian ethnologic literature, kanagjeq is also described as the wedding party at the maiden's house.
The kanagjeq is comprised of two components: the parents' feeling of joy that their daughter has reached the age of marriage, and the feeling of sadness, because she will no longer be a member of their family.
The rite of kanagjeq represents a ceremony that is different from the wedding. Even its organizational structure and contents are different. While the wedding songs are dominated by joyful verses, the kanagjeq ceremony is dominated by songs that contain verses full of melancholy and sadness, demonstrating the feeling of loss and pain for the young girl that will soon become a bride.
Henna painting
Henna painting is a ceremonial rite with initiation elements.
It is done two nights before the bachelorette party (kanagjeq). It begins in the morning, as the sun rises.
The ceremony consists of putting the henna on the bride's skin, in the form of tattoo, full of symbols representing the transformation from maidenhood to womanhood.
The henna painting is done by a married sister of the bride, or by an aunt or sister-in-law.
Initially, the girl will refuse to put the henna, but gives in due to the persistence of her kin. Henna is used for coloring her hair, fingers and fingernails. No one else takes part in this ceremony and after it the girl is isolated in a room for two days, without any contact with the outside world, until the night of kangjeq.
The night of "kanagjeq"
The night of kanagjeq is a ritual night that represents an initiation ceremony. On this night, the maiden will undergo a ritual preparation: the ritual bathing and wearing of the bridal costume, which is followed by her appearance in front of the kenagjeq participants.
This ceremonial begins sometime in the middle of the day, when a woman approaches the bride-to-be, and starts "crying" close to her: uttering words "huj, huj, huj". This is the sign that kanagjeq should start. It is followed by the emotional cry of the bride-to-be who is rushed into the room by the women, and she hugs each one of them, while continuing to weep "huj, huj, huj".
The girl will go and greet the kanagjeq participants once more in the evening, while her friends continue to sing.
The songs are dedicated to her life in her parents' house with her brothers and sisters, her social life, including her friends in the neighborhood, school etc. The participants also sing to the life that awaits her in her new family, new relations that will be created in this family, etc.
As part of the central traditional structure of Albanian customs, the wedding represents a moment of particular importance in the life of an Albanian.
BETROTHAL / ENGAGEMENT
The age of engagement of two people in Albanian tradition has been a relative notion that has often changed over time. Even though there were definite parameters in the majority of the population, the average age for the man was 20 to 30, while for the woman it was 15 to 18. Exceptions were not rare and often they were extreme. They were greatly dependent on social and economic circumstances and family relations, civil status, etc.
Betrothal of unborn children
Betrothal of unborn children is an archaic form that has now ceased to exist, but it was found until a few years after the Second World War. Even at that time it was not common, rather a rarity.
This kind of engagement happened during occasional gatherings, particularly during festivities, where two pregnant women were friends, especially if the friendship was based on good relations between families that were highly esteemed for their wealth, honor, courage and patriotism.
The engagement was made with a verbal agreement between the two pregnant women (without consulting the husband or anyone from the family, including the head of the house, which (head of family) at that time was considered as family cult) in case the babies were of the opposite gender. The engagement would be respected and was obligatory.It could not be broken, otherwise it would be avenged in blood. The families would wait for their children to reach the age of marriage and then the wedding ceremony would take place.
Betrothal of infants
As regards procedure it is identical to the engagement of unborn children, but now the engagement is made by mothers while their children are still in cradles. In identical circumstances and conditions of evaluation, at a moment that the mothers consider appropriate, usually during festivities and with mutual agreement, mothers agree on their infants' engagement. Afterwards, they inform the husbands, who inform the head of the house in the presence of family members.
The betrothal of unborns or infants used to be done by men as well. This would happen when two men formed a friendship based on mutual trust, honor and character, during military service, emigration or war, and they would see this is an opportunity to deepen their friendship.
Betrothal through matchmaker
This was one of the forms of engagement that survived the longest, as a form of family creation in the Albanian marriage tradition. Nowadays this form is almost extinct, even though it can be found occasionally as a tradition and a formal act, rather than a functional one. The "journey" called engagement would start at the moment the boy or the girl reached the appropriate age for engagement, which was usually the beginning of puberty. From that moment, the boy's family, but mostly his mother, grandmother or sisters - especially the married ones - would start to "pick out" girls that met the requirements for their son, grandson,or brother. The requirements were higher he was the only son in the family, or the only child in the family. When this was the case, the family would try to arrange an engagement as early as possible, in order that he married at the correct time.
According to tradition, first a family friend had to befound who would correspond to the level of the boy's family. Often, families would aspire to establish friendly ties with families that were renowned for their virtues, morale, courage, patriotism and faithfulness. Even more frequently, the family of the boy would hold itself in very high esteem in order to match that of the future bride, even though in reality they were not equals. The future bride's requirements were even greater: She had to have brothers and sisters (it was preferable to have as many brothers as possible); her mother must have breastfed all her children; her family had to belong to a known clan - "fis" - but not to the same one as the groom, and the clans had to be separated in blood from each other for at least 7 generations; her family had to be known as trustworthy and hospitable. If such a family could be found, the beauty of the girl were completely irrelevant; the important thing was that she had no "disability". As time passed, the physical appearance of the girl became more important and the mother, sisters or aunts of the boy resorted to meeting the girl in beforehand in order to decide whether to go further with the two youngsters' acquaintance.
After this, the matchmaking process would start.
The boy's uncle (his mother's brother) would usually be appointed as the matchmaker - "misit". This was done in order to preserve the family line from the mother's side. However, the matchmaking duty could be carried out by some other member of the family or a person related by blood, clan, territory or friendship. As soon as the matchmaker got the message from the head of the boy's family, he would go to the family of the girl in order to inform them of the intentions of the boy's family. The matchmaker's duty was to offer the family of the girl a sort of "identification passport" for the boy's family, regardless of whether the two families knew each other or not. He informed them about the family, its size, financial and social status, virtues, character, moral, loyalty, their ancestors and the clan to which they belong. It was also the matchmaker's duty to convey to the girl's family the approval and honor that the boy's family felt at having the chance to establish a friendship with NN - the father of the girl, as a well respected and honored family in the region. The matchmaker would not demand a decision on the first visit - an answer, but he would give enough space to the family of the girl for them to think about the proposal, ask around about the boy's family, discuss the matter with relatives, etc. In course of this, the girl's father, or some other elderly man of the house who held the duties of the head of the family, when sayinggoodbye to the matchmaker from the doors of the yard, said: "if it is meant to be".
When the family of the girl had decided to confirm the friendship with the boy's family, in the evening, after having dinner, the head of the house would inform the matchmaker of their decision by saying, "We await the new day", alluding to the morning of the next day tradition stated that the betrothal was celerated - "përhajr fjala e fejesës", even though nothing specific is promised. On the morning of the following day, the father of the girl, or someone else, would invite the elderly relatives of the family and in the presence of the matchmaker would order coffee for everyone. The matchmaker would not start to drink the coffee until the father congratulated him on the betrothal. This ritual, which was a sort of unwritten rule, would begin on the first visit of the matchmaker when he would say to the girl's father, "oh, NN, I was asked by NN to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage with the son of NN, and they have the honor of bonding the friendship with you". The head of the family would answer: "May the one who asked for my family's friendship have honor, and let it be as it may".
The next level of the ritual was reached when the girl's father addressed the matchmaker on this solemn occasion with the words: "…oh NN (the matchmaker) sends greetings to NN (the friend of family - boy's father) that I have accepted him as a friend of family and I give my daughter, NN (name of the daughter), to his son, NN (boy's name), and may it do them good. The matchmaker replied to him: "May it do well to you and may you have honor. May you have many grandsons and granddaughters and may you see them married. Congratulations to both families" .Then the betrothal was celebrated between the men present at the event as they stood up and greeted each other. Then they would sit down and drink the coffee as a sign that the betrothal had been arranged. After this, the matchmaker and the father of the girl would agree on the future stages of the betrothal ceremony, about which the matchmaker would inform the family of the boy.
The matchmaker, joyous over the fact that he had successfully completed the matchmaking, would go eagerly to the house of the boy and inform them of the betrothal. On this occasion, the family of the boy would fire guns to notify the neighborhood that NN found a "bride for his son" (his son is engaged) and had "become friends with Mr. so and so".
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THE WORD(promise)
The word of the bride is the first ceremony of the official marriage rite in which both families (of the future bride and groom) participate.
The matchmaker's presence at this ceremony is obligatory. The word of the bride is organized in the boy's house and all the expenses are covered by his family. The ceremony is always organized in the evening, when a ritual dinner is prepared, and continues until noon on the following day, when a suitable lunch would be arranged. The promise - fjala - would always be conveyed by the matchmaker, accompanied by two, three or four, though rarely more than four, members of the bride's family. In most cases, the matchmaker is accompanied by the uncles of the bride, her brother and, very rarely, by her father. All the family members and relatives are invited to the groom's house. They are called pritës - the ones who welcome the guests. They usually come to an oda - reception room - before the bride's family members arrive.
When a divorced or widowed woman is engaged, the word of the bride ceremony is not organized. In such cases, only seven people from the groom's side go to take the bride from her house, and this is done on a Tuesday. A widowed or divorced woman would wear only women's, not girl's, clothes, even if she lives at her parents' home, waiting to be remarried.
PREPARATION OF THE DOWRY - "PAJA/ÇEJZ"
From the moment the girl is promised, i.e. when the word is given, she starts to prepare her dowry. In olden times, when the bride had to make clothes for the groom's family, the groom's family had to fulfill the demands of the bride's family by sending at least 100 kilograms of sheeps' wool, and at least 100 yards of cotton for clothing.
In addition to this, the bride-to-be would crochet different types of clothes and household coverings, with the exception of "market items", which referred to items that are produced by craftsmen or industry, such as various clothing accessories. The purchase of these "market items" would be the final step in completing the preparation of the dowry.
The bride would prepare all the clothing for herself, her husband and her future children, as well as the clothes she would wear in her old age and when she dies - on the "day of her death" - and the shroud that her body would be covered with when she died.
TAKING THE THREAD AND SETTING THE DATE
As soon as dowry preparations have been completed and, following continuous consultation between the two families (sometimes this would take several years), there would be a moment when the groom's family would go to the bride's family to "cut the deal" and "take the thread".
This meant that the wedding day was approaching and the only thing remaining was to set the date . Setting the date would be done on the same day as the "thread was taken"- which was a sort of a measurement of the girl that would be taken so the groom's family could purchase fitting clothes for the bride. The head of the groom's house would usually go to set and to take the measure .
Before the date was set, the members of the girl's family would consult with the head woman of the family, who would consult the mother and the girl in advance.
According to tradition, the wedding day would usually be set for a Monday or a Thursday. However, this tradition has recently been broken, as the majority of the population is employed or abroad, so now the wedding ceremony usually takes place on a Sunday.
If the bride's father did not limit the amount of clothes the groom's family had to buy, the head of the groom's house together with the head woman, or the mother of the bride, would go out shopping, according to the taken measurement, and purchase "market items", including wooden cases (handmade), blankets and clothing accessories such as earrings, rings, necklace, bracelet, wrist watch, henna for the bride - all the things that the girl could not make herself. The measurement, i.e. "the thread" would not be taken from the girl's body, but from that of a family member, in order to avoid possibility of black magic.
Nowadays, the purchasing of clothes is done by the girl herself together with her fiancé, often in the company of their sisters, just to have a second opinion.
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THE WEDDING
From the moment the wedding date is set, the groom's house begins daily preparations for this ceremony. The public/official moment of the wedding's commencement is considered to be the moment when the household members start to clean the wheat for the preparation of the traditional wedding dish, called qyshkek, which is made of boiled wheat with water and sugar.
This process is mainly of a ritual character. It is carried out in the yard, three days before the start of the wedding.
On two sofra (traditional low tables), a certain amount of wheat is poured, which is then cleaned by the old women and girls of the clan and the neighborhood, accompanied by songs and dancing with tambourine and "tepsi" (a type of large copper or aluminum baking pan). Then the wheat is beaten - pressed with "dybek" - so it is easier to boil.
Meanwhile, as far as the men are concerned, the wedding starts by cutting the wood and preparing the men's oda (reception room), as well as the cook's preparations. These things are done after they have been discussed with relatives and fellow-villagers. This is organized three days before the wedding starts, and at this point they divide all the different tasks between family and clan members. The head of the house is in charge of (food) supplies, while organizing and working with the wedding ceremony itself is delegated to relatives and neighbors.
Wedding invitations
When the wedding was organized according to traditional norms, the process of inviting the wedding guests, depending on distances, started one month before the day of the wedding. The wedding day was set 4 to 6 weeks in advance, in order to allow the family of the groom to prepare better for the wedding. Only close relatives could be invited a minimum of one week before the wedding. Inviting a friend 3 or 4 days before the wedding was considered a great insult and he would not reply to the invitation. The invitation would then be accepted only in cases where a special messenger was sent to the door in order to invite that certain person. Invitations made at the market, at the mill, or at some accidental encounter/meeting were not be taken into account. The messenger - person who delivers the invitations - had to be a man and under no circumstances a could it have been a child or juvenile.
It was a particular honor if the head of the house went to invite someone to the wedding personally. Wedding invitations were for the whole family, which meant that all members of that family were invited to the wedding; as far as the daughters were concerned, they were invited as a couple, i.e. with their husbands, as it was considered shameful to invite a woman without her husband.
There were cases when single people (one person from a family) were invited, which was usually the head of the house. However, if he was unable to attend the wedding he would send a "man" from the same house, the same family. A distant relative invited to the wedding could bring two persons to accompany him to the wedding, and this was considered a particular honor for the head of wedding, so the guests were also given great attention and respect from the groom's family. The number of wedding participants usually increased after dinner, when uninvited guests, such as acquaintances from the village and the surrounding villages, arrived and stayed all night to celebrate. With the exception of being served the dinner, the uninvited guests received the same services as the invited guests.
These traditional ways of organizing a wedding already belong to the past, as nowadays invitations are made and accepted via the telephone and other forms of communication.
Wedding gifts
At traditional weddings, the gifts were dedicated to the household that gave the wedding party, and not to the groom. Gifts ranged from modest ones, one kilo of sugar (in lumps) or 1 kilo of coffee, up to a ram or an ox. These last two gifts were usually brought by the uncles for the nephew, or from "jaran" - those who had become very close friends during war, military service or living abroad. These gifts were brought by men.
Meanwhile, women would bring pies made with fat from "buallice" (a type of cow) or sheep.
With the passing of time and lifestyle changes, modern circumstances have resulted in different types of gifts, from cutlery to clothing accessories, household items or even money.
The wedding night
On the morning before the Wedding Night, the man in charge of the wedding orders the raising of the national flag in a visible place at the "oda e krushqve" - wedding participants - which symbolizes beginning of the wedding and is an invitation to everyone to "celebrate the marriage of NN". The head of the family, usually the groom's father or a close relative, stays inside the oda to welcome all the guests who come to give their congratulates.
Visitors can also be welcomed by an elderly man from the brotherhood. The visitors are served coffee and cigarettes.
"Oda" of bridegroom's men (krushq)
The reception room where the wedding guests (krushq) are welcomed and received is called an oda. Designated persons with specific tasks are placed at certain points in order to receive and welcome the guests and guide them to the oda.
When guests arrive at the entrance of the oda they are welcomed by an "odabashi" who guides them to their place in oda; certain persons are also designated to take care of the carts, horses and oxen.
"Pritesit" the people that welcome the guests, are in charge of receiving the gifts from the guests at the entrance to the yard and wishing them welcome.
According to tradition, as the guest approaches the oda they fire shots as a sign of arrival (shots would usually be fired by the uncle of the groom, or a close friend of the family).
The seating places in the oda also had their own significance, the fireplace side was always reserved for the clergy, but, in their absence, elderly persons coming from respected far away lands could also be seated there. A special place is also reserved for the "bajraktar" (the person in charge of holding the flag) for elderly men according to their age and level of friendship with the head of the family, for the village teacher, doctors, and for uninvited guests who come in company of invited ones.
When the guests are seated, the "pritës" of the oda will welcome them, greet and thank them for taking the trouble to come to the wedding - usually using these expressions:
a question directed to the eldest men of the "pritësit":
…are you wedding a man? the elderly man answers: …yes, I am
Then the guest says, "Congratulations and may they have good fortune, may they have a lot descendants, and may you see the birth and marriage of many grandsons and granddaughters", to which the elder replies: "Thank you for coming and may you have good fortune"
Cigarettes and coffee are served constantly. Soon after the guests gather, the singers arrive. These are usually two people from the region who are known to cultivate the folkloric tradition. The repertoire of songs is very diverse, ranging from historic songs, to elegies and lyric songs, so they suit the taste and requests of guests of every age.
Shots would be fired at the end of the songs or even during them, as a sign of admiration for the characters in the songs, their deeds, or because of memories of youth.
Wedding Day
On the wedding day, all the tasks must be carried out in time; the preparation of the "bride's carriage", the "seksana's carriage" (dowry carriage), feeding the wedding guests before departing for the bride's house, selecting the bridesmaids for the bride's carriage, the "old woman of the carriage" and the "carriage boy".
The celebrations on the wedding day continue in the same manner as on the night before the wedding.
The departure time to the house of the bride depends on its distance from the groom's house, however it is always after lunch. The order of procession of the wedding guests is regulated by "odabashi", who used to be called "quash".
The bride's carriage is covered with red rugs. In olden times, an elderly woman, accompanied by another bride from the house and a small boy would leave along with the bride's carriage.
As the years went by, the number of people traveling with the bride's carriage eventually rose to nine people.
The carriage boy would usually be five to ten years of age. He had to have both parents and have sisters and brothers.
After the procession of the wedding guests has been put in order, it is led by the "bajraktar" - historically, the flag was held by two elderly people who were skilled at handling weapons, because they had to protect the flag if necessary.
After the flagman came the clergy, followed by the elderly men and then the rest of the guests, according to age and how well they were respected.
The departure of wedding guests (bridegroom's men) was accompanied by highland songs and gunshots.
When approaching the house of the bride the singers would start singing highland songs again, in order to announce their arrival. Young men from the bride's family would attend to the horses and carriages whilethe bridegroom's men were visiting the bride's house.
After everyone is seated, the "pritësit" welcome the bridegroom's men.
The father of the bride addresses the father of the groom, or some other appointed person, and congratulates him on the marriage, thus leading the way to others to congratulate each other. This is followed by coffee and cigarettes. Then, the singers begin to sing. Those present in the room listen to the songs in silence. When the song is over, someone announces "we are ready, but we can stay as much as you like" as a sign that it is time for the bridegroom's men to leave.
While the bridegroom's men were in the oda, the flag was guarded by one of the members of the bride's family.When the bridegroom's men are ready to leave, the flagman leaves first, rewards the guard with money for guarding the flag and takes the flag, which has been decorated with gifts in the meantime, shirts and towels, etc.
The bride is taken out of the house by her brother, who punches her in the back. Handing her over to the father of the groom is done by her father , while they hold each other's hands and say, "Congratulations and may my blood be of your service".
The departure of the bridegroom's men is accompanied by highland songs and gunshots from both sides.
When the wedding procession arrives in the village, the participants once again start singing highland songs and shooting. Before passing the gates to the yard, one of the participants in the procession calls the groom by name three times and shoots into the air three times.
When the bridal carriage enters the yard of the house, an elderly woman throws candies mixed with corn, wheat and coins over the carriage. On the ground, where the bride will first step when leaving the carriage, a member of the groom's family will place a colander or a bushel containing a chicken egg and covered with a sack.
Before the bride is taken out of the carriage, according to tradition, a young boy has to enter the carriage, however he is blindfolded so that he cannot see the bride, only touch her. The bride is not allowed to look at the boy either, except to give him a gift, which he must not open until the end of the wedding.
The bride climbs down from the carriage with the help of her father-in-law or brother-in-law. The bride's first step out of the carriage is taken with her right foot, while with her right hand she touches the horse's buttocks.
She also steps on to the sack in front of her with her right foot, and then she is led to her place on the divan. At this time the groom is hidden somewhere in the house and he watches the bride. The bride does the same thing.
While this is happening the wedding guests sing and dance, accompanied by the music.
After staying for about half an hour on the divan, a plate with honey is brought to the bride, into which she dips her fingers. At the moment she enters the house, she will touch the top of the door frame three times with her fingers. She is then led into her room to rest for a while. However, whenever someone enters the room, be they young or old, the bride has to stand up as a sign of respect.
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The groom's entrance to the "gjerdek" (his wedding room)
The ritual preparation of the groom was done while the bridegroom's men were still at the bride's house. After the wedding day dinner, a senior family member would call for the groom and some of his close friends, and take him aside to one of the corners of the oda. Here, he would explain some rules to the groom.
Standing upfrom this part of the room, in the company of his friends, the groom walks to the door of his bedroom.
He pretends to be reluctant to enter, but as the groom opens the door, his friends abruptly punch him on the back. Inside the bedroom, the bride waits for the groom standing up.
Breaking the kulaç (bread bun)
The bun is ritual bread made by women on the wedding night, in the presence of a boy who has both parents.
The women would put three plisa (Albanian traditional hat) on top of the boy's head as a sign of magical homeopathic gestures to imitate the birth of male children.
This ritual bread has a marking in the middle, dividing the bun in to two unequal parts, perhaps symbolic of domination. This bread is given to the newlyweds on the first morning of their marriage, i.e. on a Tuesday or Friday morning. They then break the bun in two parts, each trying to get the biggest piece for themselves, as it is believed that the one with the biggest piece of the bun would dominate in the family.
After this act, the bride receives the gifts from the wedding guests. She is accompanied by a woman of the family, who helps the bride to identify the givers of the gifts. The bride is obliged to take the hand of each guest individually as a sign of respect.
After the wedding guests have eaten, they start to return to their homes. The only guests to stay for longer time are the daughters of the family or aunts of the groom. From this time onwards, the bride is considered to be a member of the family.
First visit of the bride
The first visit of the bride to her family was one month after her wedding day. It was considered the first visit,because for the first time since the marriage the bride's family would come and collect the bride, so she could stay at her parents' house for a week.
On this occasion, the bride's family would dine with the groom's family. When the bride went to her family, she would take some buns that were specially made for this occasion. She would also bring back buns on returning to her husband's house. On both occasions, these buns would be distributed among family and neighbors.
The groom's family members would go to pick up the bride after one week of visiting her parents', though the groom's group would be much larger than the first group of the bride's family members, as a symbol of fertility and increasing family size.
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KANAGJEQI (BACHELORETTE PARTY)
In Albanian ethnologic literature, kanagjeq is also described as the wedding party at the maiden's house.
The kanagjeq is comprised of two components: the parents' feeling of joy that their daughter has reached the age of marriage, and the feeling of sadness, because she will no longer be a member of their family.
The rite of kanagjeq represents a ceremony that is different from the wedding. Even its organizational structure and contents are different. While the wedding songs are dominated by joyful verses, the kanagjeq ceremony is dominated by songs that contain verses full of melancholy and sadness, demonstrating the feeling of loss and pain for the young girl that will soon become a bride.
Henna painting
Henna painting is a ceremonial rite with initiation elements.
It is done two nights before the bachelorette party (kanagjeq). It begins in the morning, as the sun rises.
The ceremony consists of putting the henna on the bride's skin, in the form of tattoo, full of symbols representing the transformation from maidenhood to womanhood.
The henna painting is done by a married sister of the bride, or by an aunt or sister-in-law.
Initially, the girl will refuse to put the henna, but gives in due to the persistence of her kin. Henna is used for coloring her hair, fingers and fingernails. No one else takes part in this ceremony and after it the girl is isolated in a room for two days, without any contact with the outside world, until the night of kangjeq.
The night of "kanagjeq"
The night of kanagjeq is a ritual night that represents an initiation ceremony. On this night, the maiden will undergo a ritual preparation: the ritual bathing and wearing of the bridal costume, which is followed by her appearance in front of the kenagjeq participants.
This ceremonial begins sometime in the middle of the day, when a woman approaches the bride-to-be, and starts "crying" close to her: uttering words "huj, huj, huj". This is the sign that kanagjeq should start. It is followed by the emotional cry of the bride-to-be who is rushed into the room by the women, and she hugs each one of them, while continuing to weep "huj, huj, huj".
The girl will go and greet the kanagjeq participants once more in the evening, while her friends continue to sing.
The songs are dedicated to her life in her parents' house with her brothers and sisters, her social life, including her friends in the neighborhood, school etc. The participants also sing to the life that awaits her in her new family, new relations that will be created in this family, etc.
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